Look, I love Drizzy as much as the next girl, but the more I listen to “Hotline Bling” the more I realize Drake has some serious issues.

Drake is the biggest rapper in the world (bar Kanye), so why is he dropping lyrics that make him sound like my whiny ex who was a big deal in high school but then went away to university and now can’t deal with the fact that I moved on?

You used to call me on my cell phone
Late night when you need my love

I guess we’re all a little nostalgic for the days when we actually said “cell phone” instead of just “phone.” But the warm fuzzies end there: where else would I call you? Your manager at Shopper’s Drug Mart never let you take calls at work and your parents’ landline was as dysfunctional as their marriage (ohhh! Sorry, that was mean).

And sure, I was looking for love. You listened to me, or did a good impression of it anyway. You told me what I wanted to hear. Like my girl Taylor says: When you’re fifteen, and somebody tells you they love you, / you’re gonna believe them.

And I know when that hotline bling
That can only mean one thing

No, see. This is why we broke up. I called your “hotline” for lots of reasons. Sometimes I wanted to tell you about my day. Sometimes I wanted to hear about yours. Sometimes I wanted you to tell me I was pretty. And yes, sometimes I wanted the D. (D for Drake. That’s what it stands for, right?)

Sometimes! Not every time. You never understood that. And ultimately, that’s why I moved on. We actually had a pretty big fight about this before you zipped halfway across the country to study urban development and I stayed in our hometown to take care of my grandma while I got my ECE. Remember?

Ever since I left the city,
You got a reputation for yourself now

Yes, upon your departure, I looked in the mirror and said, “Time to make a name for yourself, Rach! It’ll be hard work, but you can achieve your dream of being disparaged for dating too many boys, now that that lousy monogamous relationship isn’t holding you back. And maybe if you ask nicely, Aubrey will help spread the word about your casting off the shackles of respectability!” I know this trick. My reputation is fine, bro, so I don’t need to crawl back to you for approval.

Everybody knows and I feel left out
Girl you got me down, you got me stressed out

I’d be stressed out too if I believed “everybody” was conspiring to exclude me from my smoking hot ex-girlfriend’s life. Fortunately, we’re not, and you’re just paranoid. It’s not all about you. I mean hey, maybe if you’d called or visited more than once every six weeks you’d know more. But let’s be honest: you’re down and stressed out because university is a huge scary pond and you’re not such a big fish anymore.

‘Cause ever since I left the city,
you started wearing less and goin’ out more

Do you still dress like you did in high school? (I have pictures, if you need to refresh your memory.) This is a strange correlation to fixate on, but maybe there’s something to it: I don’t have to run my outfits by you anymore, so it’s no wonder they don’t always meet your weird standard of decency. But I don’t go out any more or less than I did before. I just do it without you.

Ever since I left the city, you, you, you
You and me we just don’t get along
You make me feel like I did you wrong
Going places where you don’t belong

Um, you did do me wrong. I don’t even know where to begin, but let’s just say I know about that shorty up on Glengrove. And that when you took the Acura at 5 a.m. you weren’t always going to shoot Degrassi scenes. So who are you to tell me where I belong? You don’t get to tell me shit, son.

You, you got exactly what you asked for
Running out of pages in your passport
Hanging with some girls I’ve never seen before

Those girls are in my behavioural science course! We went on that Europe trip because YOLO. And we didn’t invite you because IDGAF. Plus, how many of your college buddies have you introduced me to? I’ll give you a hint: it’s zero.

Ever since I left the city,
These days, all I do is
Wonder if you bendin’ over backwards for someone else
Wonder if you’re rollin’ up a backwoods for someone else
Doing things I taught you, gettin’ nasty for someone else

HERE WE GO. This is the real point isn’t? We. Broke. Up. Are you listening to yourself? That’s ALL you do, eh? In between hooking up with rando girls at clubs, you mean. Do you even know what a double standard is? I have you on Instagram. I know what you do. And newsflash, you didn’t teach me those things. (How can anyone take credit for someone else’s sexuality in the age of computers? I am a liberated woman of the new millennium!)

You don’t need no one else
You don’t need nobody else, no

Right, all I need is you. The controlling, narcissistic dude who thinks I’ve fallen into disrepute. You badmouth me and still want me back? Get it together, Aubrey. When I was two, I found a caterpillar on the sidewalk and bent down to pet it and I was like, “Aw, it’s so cute and fuzzy. I love you, caterpillar.” Then my mom was like, “Okay Rachel, time to go, say goodbye to the caterpillar.” And I said “Bye!” and squished it with my tiny shoe. That’s what you’re like right now. If you can’t have me, you’re going to squish my feelings and reputation with your metaphorical shoe, so no one can. Basically you’re acting like a two-year-old.

Why you never alone
Why you always touching road

Because I just got my G licence and you’re not around to watch Netflix and chill with. And because I’m losing interest in keeping my life on pause while I wait for you to grow up. *shrug*

Used to always stay at home, be a good girl
You was in a zone, yeah
You should just be yourself
Right now, you’re someone else

Okay, I can’t. I’m out.

Fuck. Are you hearing yourself?